Sometimes I walk into yoga thinking I'm about to change the world. And then there are these other days when I really struggle trying to conjure up a desire to be there. Maybe because I've had a hard day. Or am not feeling well. Or am tired. Or would rather eat junk food and watch TV. Or just do anything other than yoga. Well, it was one of those days. Feeling kind of tired and bloated, despising the idea of a hot room, and unable to control a drifting mind. "Maybe I should just go home," I thought to myself.
"No, no, no. Not tonight, Kathleen." I call myself by my full name when I get serious. "You are doing yoga first, and then you are going home afterward."
Fine. Yoga first. And my feet walked me to the studio.
When I’m in that kind of mood, those are the times when my feet absolutely should be on a mat. And I know that about myself — which is why my voice of reason won. Because I know there’s a good chance that the practice will go a hell of a lot better than I anticipate. That at some point I will experience an unburdening, a lightness, a relief from symptoms -- feet more firmly planted, head more grounded, and a sense of being spiritually supported and uplifted. The more adverse I feel to going, the more I know exactly what my body, mind and soul need. Because yoga is not just a workout for me; it’s a spiritual experience.
Practice, Pranayama, Prayer
Our practice that evening was all about PRANA -- the life energy that fills and moves through our body through the act of breath. Yoga is about creating space through the breath to move that energy; and in doing so to also move out anything that we don't need to hold on to. Throughout the practice, we were directed to visualize the flow of prana energy and to become aware of where our bodies were physically holding onto something that could be released (like shoulders, the neck, the jaw, the tongue). As the additional “holds” were released, we could breathe energy into those new, open spaces ... prana energy to move, breath space to increase. In many ways, the class felt like a practice of freedom.
As is the case with yoga... the practice isn’t just about the physical. Maybe it starts there. But the practice of letting go or softening the physical translates into letting go or softening the mind... and the letting go or softening of the spirit. And that is where the real work happens. And my body didn’t tell my mind or spirit what we were actually working on until he said, “Shavasana.”
Shavasana. I remember feeling like a kid on Christmas morning, ready to tear open this gift of calm, quiet relaxation. I was hot and sweaty and a good kind of tired. YES! On my back on the floor; in all the openness and energy and breath. As I continued to breathe and visualize prana energy swirling through every part of me, I suddenly became aware of the presence of God in that room and all around me; especially to my left (feminine) side. In my realization of this presence, my mind called out to open a conversation... "Is that you, God? Are you here?"
And from somewhere inside of me came these three little words... "You are mine." And I laid there in the restorative silence. "What?" And then they repeated; a second time...a third time. "You are mine." Not threatening. Not evoking fear. Not commanding. "You are mine." A male voice, on my feminine side. Soft and almost sensual... as if a lover whispering into my ear in the moments before sleep. "You are mine." Equal parts reassuring and jealous and comforting and in control. And 500% protective of this heart. "You are mine."
In the vulnerability of that moment of safety, I was given (and giving myself) the permission to let go. To release the unnecessary holds that would allow prana energy to move into these inner, hidden spaces — bringing in energy and pushing out whatever no longer served me. And as I allowed for it, the gates came swinging open. My doubts and worries fired like rounds of rapid gunshots. I didn’t even know they were there. But they were; they had been patiently waiting for their turn to be heard. So, between God and I, it became a ping-pong match that went something like this:
"It is so hard down here." You are mine.
"Why did they leave?" You are mine.
"I loved them." You are mine.
"My heart is broken." You are mine.
"I am lonely a lot of the time.” You are mine.
"Work is so difficult." You are mine.
"Am I doing the right thing?" You are mine.
“What are you asking of me?” You are mine.
"Show me where to go." You are mine.
This went on for a while as I lay there in meditative breaths. And, I must admit -- the voice was calm and loving and consistent throughout. And at the end of the backs and forths of my doubts and fears and discouragements and brokenness ... and God’s reassurance, finally the firing ceased and I just settled into the comfort of this voice.
"I am yours." You are mine.
And divine calm. And quiet. And stillness. And joy... and peace. And still doing the work... The work of breath. The work of freedom. The work of healing. The work of letting go. l felt all of that prana energy moving toward my face, which erupted into a smile. Someone had claimed me. I belonged. I was heard. I was loved. Everything in that moment was okay. I was God's. “You are mine.”
Breathing New Life into the Old
Later that night, I found myself humming a song; a well-known David Haas song that I have led my community in singing so many times. Coincidentally, it is titled “You are Mine” and starts out like this:
I will come to you in the silence. I will lift you from all your fears. You will hear my voice. I claim you as my choice. Be still and know I am here.
A Catholic song that I can sing like the back of my hand. But this yoga experience made something so standard become something very very new and personal to my heart.
I will come to you in the silence (Shavasana). I will lift you from all your fears. (Letting go). You will hear my voice (God, is that you?). I claim you as my choice (You are Mine!). Be still and know I am here (Prana / Breath).
Damn, I love when stuff like this happens. When the work of your heart coincides with what you have been told/what you know to be true ... but it actually becomes something you feel and experience, as if for the first time. When it all becomes new again. And there you are, in the dark of night, singing to yourself and realizing that your work of prana has continued, because the practice of singing is rooted in creating space and the energy of the breath.
All of this started with the work of 60 minutes of a PRANA-focused yoga practice on a night when i wasn’t in the mood. Go figure.
Boxes of Prayers
Since a special trip to Saint Augustine, FL last November, I have been wearing a Tibetan prayer box around my neck. In shavasana, at church, and during meditative practice, I often visualize storing up my special intentions in the tiny box. How they should all fit in there would be a miracle in itself.
My nephews also realized that I wear this prayer box and, of course, were fascinated to discover that it actually opens and closes, as tiny as it is. I had never attempted to open it. But when they would see me, the older one especially would jump into my arms and head right to opening the box. Laughing, “I’m letting all of your prayers fall right out of your box.”
So many times my prayers were released by little hands that the clasp on my precious box can hardly keep the lid closed anymore. Now, the box is almost always ajar and looking more like a Venus prayer trap than a Tibetan Prayer Box. No matter how many times I clasp it, it falls open moments later.
And, as with most things, I find that openness ironically symbolic at this moment. And here’s the reason. Prayers and intentions and feelings and ideas were never meant to be held in secret in a box. We were never meant to carry them. They were never meant to become our burden. They are meant to bubble up. They are meant to be heard. They are meant to “fall out” and be lifted to God.
And perhaps after each thought or intention or prayer... “You are mine.”
Final thoughts...
What if, after every one of your prayers or discouragements or worries or fears you heard those three little words? “You are mine.” How would it change how you feel about yourself? Your mission? Your friendships? Your life?
And what if it just took a little bit of breathing practice and letting go to get there? Would you try?
You are God’s.
And you are loved. xo
PS...
After posting this blog, I arrived at church to sing. I opened up the binder and guess what was in there?
FOR MEDITATION:
Drawn to You... Audrey Assad
https://youtu.be/y6Yo_5KRQtI
Unfolding... Audrey Assad
https://youtu.be/2cJ7hQuF_iw
Pranayama Practice... Anayra Calderon (w/Katie!)
https://youtu.be/u3vPHs5_Lys
Breathe... Michael W Smith
https://youtu.be/Oad8ov10AjY
Trilogy: Breathe in Me... Michael W. Smith
https://youtu.be/fJuYcAUghwY
Comments