The more I have begun to open myself up to the path of new ideas and possibilities, the more my mind has become flooded with thoughts lately. Good thoughts. New thoughts. Strong thoughts. But a lot of them. Each one makes me excited -- and I get a running start writing or talking about it. And then I pause, because another idea comes along and I re-start in that direction. Lately it's just START, START. START. And today was no different.
With my newly budding thoughts, have also come my growing awareness that I'm starting to try new things. For example, I realized over the weekend that I've started bringing some of my newer spiritual practices with me to Church. My hands suddenly finding their way to heart center when I'm listening or praying intently. My breath deepening and becoming more purposeful. My body bowing for longer periods of time in thankfulness. The spine reaching up as if to get the crown of the head closer to the Divine. And it feeling really good in one moment. And then suddenly feeling really vulnerable and out of place in the next. I found myself asking, "When did I stop feeling like I could be exactly who I am in church? When did I stop?" Followed by, "Did I every really feel like I could just be me?"
Many Catholics (as well as some other religions), by culture, are relatively stoic. Quiet. Don't sing. Don't chat. Put their envelope in the basket. Leave right after Communion. Disconnected. Uninspired. When I minister in that kind of environment, I can only hope that God will bring out exactly the opposite though me. Energy. Connection. Volume. Upliftedness. Positivity. Breaking cultural barriers and reaching hearts. Helping people FEEL something. Showing people that they are loved and accepted. Bringing a very alive God to them.
In front of a congregation, I've become used to the wide-eyed stares when God dances in me. I'm used to the uncomfortable giggles when I sing with my hands. I'm used to seeing the nudge from one family member to another when I make eye contact. Looks of confusion. Looks of awe. Looks of intrigue. Looks of "I'm not used to this." Looks that confirm for me that God is reaching people in a way that caught them off guard and made them vulnerable. Looks that meant people would walk out of that church differently than the way they had walked in. So no matter what I did, I NEVER worried about who was watching. Because it was always about what God was doing.
Over the years of working in churches, I've been told many things "about myself." That I'm just too loud. Or too Broadway. Or too talkative in welcoming the congregation. Or too joyful. Or that I move too much. Or I close my eyes too often. Or I snap my fingers with the music. Or even that I'm the "Katie Show." The message translates to: "You are a distraction, and we don't like distraction here." Unfortunate. What they miss is that it's not Katie being a distraction; rather, it's probably God trying to get everyone's attention.
But, I'm also a human being. And words hurt. And judgement hurts. And although I am outwardly perceived as strong, I don't know if I've ever felt like I could just be 100% myself in Church. Without fearing a pastor's thoughts. Or a music director's comments. Or a congregation's looks. But I also don't let any of that stop me. Because God is responsible.
I will admit that I became strangely self-aware the first time that my hands subconsciously moved to heart center in front of my congregation. And the feeling hit me hard. I looked up at the people in front of me and thought -- why can't I stand here with my hands like this?WHEN DID EVERYONE STOP? At what what point in history did we STOP expressing the Divine according to our individuality because it no longer was allowed? When did we stop singing loud, or using our hands, or clapping and snapping and being joyful in the presence of God? At what point did my religion replace creative spirituality with rules? When did everyone become so dead in the pews? And how can we be so dead, when GOD IS SO ALIVE? People that are alive move. And dance. And sing. And talk. And laugh. How can God live in us if we aren't ALIVE? WHEN DID EVERYONE STOP? And how can I help them start again ...
Over the last 8 months, I've gone to hundreds of yoga classes and been completely outwardly spiritual in rooms filled with unknown people. Unknown people who may or may not believe in God. Unknown people who are encouraged to seek their center and the Divine. Who are encouraged to be mindful. Who are encouraged to connect with heart center. Who are encouraged to be exactly who we are. Who are encouraged to express spirituality in a way that works for us. And, I admit, even in a yoga studio I can be a little unconventional. I sometimes make the sign of the cross during yoga. I sometimes do self-reiki during savasana. During breathing practices and long holds, I'm often talking directly to Jesus. And most of my favorite teachers know (by now) that I don't hold back if I want to sing. I express who Katie is at that moment - and who God is in Katie. I join my hands at heart center, I "OHM" And I NEVER worry about who is watching me.
Why can unknowns in a yoga studio be outwardly spiritual? But knowns in a church (including myself) have become so inhibited and afraid? When did we stop?
FAST FORWARD
While I've been hyper aware of the stop in Churches over the years, I recently have been feeling a new START in myself. And perhaps finding my own hands at heart center in Church is symbolic of that shift. God is beginning to work through me in a new and refreshed way. A reemergence; a rebirth. The brokenness of the last 8 months has made way for new space. Through yoga and reiki, God and I have been working together on blockages in my throat and heart chakras ... and it's making a huge difference. And others have begun to notice it, too. This weekend, people started saying, "something is different in your voice" and "I felt like God was speaking directly to me through you." There was a tearful woman who hugged me multiple times today speaking only broken English. And I stand in awe of this and graciously give God all the glory.
And a lot of these changes are happening because I am allowing myself to be ministered TO. There's a great difference between being a minister and being ministered to. By definition, ministry is how God flows through me to reach other people. It's a very outward process. I'm very used to standing in that right-handed position. Meditation and yoga and reiki, however, are the ways that God is currently ministering to ME. It's a very inward process. A left-handed position. And it feels super personal, almost intimate. (I describe right & left differences in this blog).
I consider that while I'm in this period of healing, maybe I'm not yet ready for the worlds of "ministering" and "being ministered to" to cross over just yet. I'm not yet ready to go mainstream with new personal spiritual methods when I'm serving in a public Catholic ministry capacity.
BUT, I've found my hands at heart center there. And, for once, I'm doing something that feels like ME. It's a START.
THE MESSAGE
Today is never too late to start anything. Meaningful praying. Meaningful breathing. Meaningful living. If you feel like you've stopped, make today the day you START. Even in a small way, like moving your hands to heart center. Every single one of us is down here on a unique mission. You are here for a reason. It is noble. It is powerful. It is necessary. And each day is a gift that allows you to try and start again.
By inviting and allowing Divine light and energy to flow from you into the world, you have no idea the lives you will touch, the roads you will travel, the healing and love you will channel. Sing when the room is quiet. Dance like no one is watching. Clap your hands. Snap your fingers. Whistle while you work. But whatever you do... START!
YOU ARE A BLESSING! BE YOURSELF. BE PROUD. BE BOLD. AND STAND IN YOUR TRUTH.
You'll be glad you did. And so will God.
xo
SONGS FOR MEDITATION & REFLECTION
THANK YOU... by Ray Boltz: https://youtu.be/HGISbps08EQ
And at the finish... "One by one they came, far as the eye could see. Each life somehow touched by your generosity. The little things that you had done, the sacrifices made unnoticed on the earth in Heaven now proclaimed. And I know up in Heaven you're not supposed to cry but I am almost sure there were tears in your eyes... as Jesus took your hands and you stood before the Lord. He said, my child look around you, for great is your reward..."
© 2018 Katie Riley
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