I have clear memories as a child having difficulties determining between this and that. Thick verses thin in preschool. When the teacher said to open the thick book, I sat there with two different sized books and cried. Elevator versus escalator in kindergarten. I had to circle the elevator, and I sat there in class with my worksheet and cried. Square versus rectangle. A big black crayon blob "X's" and "no's" scribbled over box shapes that I just couldn't draw correctly. When my mom found my paper, I cried.
Growing and learning pains. Figuring out the rules. And a little girl with a huge heart and two little eyes that cried often when the black and white world around her became confusing. When she didn't know the rules or felt like she couldn't meet them. Knowing the rules felt safe. Stay within the lines.
I got glasses in 2nd grade, which I wore for the majority of elementary school. I wish those lenses would have improved my "sight." But the same little girl, now growing older, still went through the trials of knowing this from that. I remember the day the kids blindsided me with a practical joke about having a "faux" science test that I hadn't studied for. And I cried in the schoolyard. Or the day the popular girl in school invited me over to play, and I later found out she just wanted me to do her project for her. And I got home and cried.
Growing and learning pains. Figuring out the rules. Realizing that other people had some different rule-books, and yet they seemed to already know how to mess with the ones in mine. The ones I stuck to. This led to a lot of getting hurt. A lot of not understanding why. A lot of always trying to do the right thing. A lot of seeking approval and acceptance. And not really getting it, especially not from my peers. When I walk back through memory lane, there were so many disappointing and heart wrenching situations for the little girl with a huge heart and two eyes that cried. I wish I could go back and protect her. In certain life circumstances, that little girl still makes an appearance inside of me.
CHAKRA-TIVITY
If my chakras had voices, the heart would BY FAR be the chatty one. No doubt, overruling all of the other chakra voices. Even when the other chakras have a lot to say, they are held tightly closed by my throat chakra which is usually the silent, protective one. Once my heart speaks, there is hardly any changing its power. So no matter what my third eye knows or how my solar plexus drops, the feelings stay trapped inside of me at the throat and the heart ALWAYS leads. In an ideal world, leading with heart sounds awesome. In this world, however, not always the best thing. If your heart denies your intuition or your throat denies your core, you arrive at a place of mega imbalance. If your sexual center is turned off by your head's stance on religion but your heart desires a partner, it's a conflict. There's a lot of feeling torn. A lot of feeling guilt. A lot of feeling afraid. A lot of feeling unfulfilled. A lot of wanting. A lot of not having the words. A lot of not trusting yourself. Getting stuck in these types of imbalances eventually causes the 3 D's: depletion, depression and disease.
Leading with the heart is a beautiful thing, but not at the risk of blinding the other chakras. Leading with intuition, for example, might be a healthier thing in some circumstances. And standing in and speaking your truth also has its time and place. The name of the chakra game is BALANCE. Balancing each chakra on its own, and keeping each in balance among the other chakras in the system. It's about juggling and creativity, being present, and really learning to HEAR in the HERE.
My first mindful chakra opening experience was during a reiki session in Hawaii, a retreat that I have spoken of many times in previous blogs. Aside from the known break in my heart, I became aware that my throat chakra was completely shut down. Stalled. Out of gas. Stopped. And my reiki master, Justin, spent a good amount of time with his hands hovering over my neck, trying to get some openness and spin back in that chakra. It was very emotionally painful; but very significant to my ability for forward progression. I needed to experience and live through all of that pain first.
My throat is where I continued to focus for weeks and months after -- my truth and communication center. And, honestly, it was a good thing for me with accurate timing. I started writing these blogs; started standing up for myself in certain situations; started telling myself new ideas for my life. Started clearing the throat of my unique voice and began oiling the wheel to spin consistently. And I'm pretty certain my throat chakra has continued to spin and I continue growing in confidence of it each day.
STARTING TO SPIN
What really kicked up my chakra focus has been Reiki Attunement 1 and the practice of daily self-reiki. When my reiki master told me that self-reiki would be life changing, I had absolutely no concept of the extent to which he meant it. BUT HOLY CRAP DID HE MEAN IT! And, the more I am practicing, the more I'm learning how body/soul/chakra system is guiding me to WHERE it needs the most attention.
Whereas I started my self-practice getting used to a smattering of all of the major chakras (with concentrations on my heart and throat), I've been drawn more recently to nurture my third eye; the center for intuition and foresight. Intuition is not just about suddenly knowing everything. It's about learning how to weigh things. It's about trusting your gut feeling. It's about trusting your psychic feelings -- vibes. It's about repetitive, tough lessons learned and not getting into situations where you let that happen again.
Like all of the chakras, third eye intuition is just another practice of balance. I can be strangely intuitive, but my intuition is often blinded by the strength of my heart -- third eye blind. To align that better, I realize that I need some mega exercises in the realm of TRUST. Usually when we peel the mango, we think of trust as core to the relationship between two or more people. But, I'm talking about TRUST as in trusting and believing MYSELF. Taking off the sunglasses. Allowing my heart to trust my intuition. Opening my eyes to what is real; what I see; what I feel; what I think; who I am.
And when I absolutely cannot... I practice crow pose.
WHY? Crow, arta chandrasana, tree pose, and warrior 3 (etc) are all poses of balance. And specifically in learning the balance of crow, I adopted a mantra. What did it consist of? I would speak one word over and over again in my mind: TRUST. That my hands and core will hold up my body; that I will not fall on my face; that I am strong; that I am capable; that I will succeed. TRUST. And you know what? Even when my hands and core didn't hold up my body -- even when I fell on my face, I knew that I was STILL strong and capable. So I'd get up, try again, and trust harder.
My third eye mantra works much the same: TRUST. That my heart can support my intuition; that my intuition will uphold my core feelings; that my forethought can correctly guide my decisions; that I am strong; that I am capable; that I will succeed. And you know what? Even when I fall on my face, I know that I am STILL strong and capable. So I get up, try again, and trust harder.
COFFEE DATE!
So how am I settling it between my heart and my 3rd eye? It's not about tossing my heart out; it's about letting my intuition and my heart have a regular coffee date. Allowing them to check in with one another a little bit more often. Allowing them to hear each other out -- letting each one take the lead at different times. Letting them like each other (with the intent of falling in love!). Letting them support each other. An equal partnership.
It also means leaning on people to help you. For example, if I'm trying to raise the volume of my 3rd eye, but it's still being drowned out by my heart... I will go to someone I trust and discuss the situation. Discuss what my heart is saying; discuss what my intuition is saying... using the new vocabulary that my throat chakra is ready to speak. It could be a yoga teacher, a therapist, a family member, a medical professional, a friend, etc.
I realize that the more I've been working on getting my chakras (and life!) back into a healthy balance, the more "whole" people have joined my path. People that don't like me for what I can do for them, but simply because I AM. People that I can trust with both my heart AND my intuition.
And the "whole" people don't just listen and advise... but they are even calling out what they see in me. For example: my first acro yoga class. Led around by another person with our eyes closed. And I couldn't do it. To which my teacher yelled out, "Katie, you have trust issues." And I said, "Yes, I know." Another example: I was discussing a situation with my therapist who stopped me and said: "Okay, so let's review the lessons you've just learned from your previous experience. How are you going to go into this new relationship and establish boundaries and clarity requirements before jumping in with both feet?" And we made a list.
And the more I practice, the more I am aware. The more I am drawn to intuition. The more intuition is drawn to me. As one yoga instructor recently taught us in class: to advance and manifest creativity and intuition, touch your 3rd eye to the earth as much as possible. (By this time I'm surprised I don't already have a bruise on my forehead haha.)
CAN YOU SEE GOD?
Of course, let's not forget GOD in all of this -- who is all seeing, all knowing, and all heart! On thoughts of third eye and intuition... came to mind the memory of sitting in my grandmother's kitchen at the round yellow table and reading a little saying on a card that was tacked on the blue tile wall there. It was the serenity prayer. It was always hung there in the same place and I would read it most every time I sat at the kitchen table:
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The Courage to change the things I can. And the Wisdom to know the difference."
As a child, the first two sentences made complete sense to me: Peace for things outside of my control; courage for things inside of my control. But that last sentence always confused me. I remember asking myself, "the wisdom to know the difference between what?"
As an adult, I understand it to mean the ability to distinguish between what I can and cannot control. But what if we take that one step farther? What if, instead of praying for the wisdom to know the DIFFERENCE, we prayed to God simply for the wisdom to KNOW. The wisdom to TRUST. The wisdom to simply see TRUTH. For the gift of intuition.
Recently, I've been finding my hands repetitively in anjali mudra at third eye center, praying just for that. "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you."
THIRD EYE NOT BLIND
Often on my commute, I will practice self-reiki on the bus and listening to a Spotify play list I've been putting together for future client reiki sessions. One particular day, I had placed my left hand on heart center, my right hand on my solar plexus for the duration. My eyes were closed. When suddenly I realized the darkness was not dark. In fact, the darkness was filled with yellow smoke-like puffs that seemed to continuously move in an upright motion and turn to lime green as it moved to the top. I've heard of people seeing colors during reiki, but I had never seen them. Until that morning. After the bus arrived and my self-session ended, I looked up the colors of the solar plexus and heart chakras, which just happen to be yellow and green, respectively.
Since then, I have continued to see different colors at different times; often when I am in heavy meditation or toward the end of yoga classes. Sometimes it is deep purple. Sometimes bold magenta and teal blue. I cannot predict them. I cannot predict when. I guess they show up for me when I need to SEE.
And I got to thinking... Maybe my third eye has not been blind after all. Maybe it just has needed some contacts.
xo
Song for Meditation/Reflection:
Open the Eyes of My Heart/Lord I Give You My Heart: https://youtu.be/72_Nwhhz8DA
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