On Thursday mornings, I have a doctor appointment. I've driven the same route to the same doctor on Thursday mornings for years. I consider myself a good driver -- behind the wheel, I'm generally calm, jam out to my favorite tunes, and enjoy the ride.
Except on that Thursday morning.
That Thursday morning came after a bad Wednesday, after a bad Tuesday, after a bad Monday... in all honesty, a really difficult stretch of days that strung into several devastating months. I was really, really angry. And really, really alone. And really, really tired.
Each day had started feeling like it's own lesson in survival. Just surviving, not thriving. I had gone to God and begged, and pleaded, and bargained, and cried my eyes out over and over again. And SILENCE. Hard, cold, SILENCE. For months. Well, that wasn't the way it was going to go... not that Thursday morning. Not if I had anything to do with it. God was NOT allowed to toss me aside and deal me the same crushing silent treatment that other people were.
And as I was driving, I was crying. And yelling. Out loud. At God. Re-telling the dreadful details of my situation for the millionth time, ranting frantic questions, "Where are you?" "Don't you see what's happening?" "How could you let this happen to me?" "Why aren't you protecting me?" "Why would you lead me down this path?" "Why did you create my kind heart?" "Why are you so darn quiet?"
And SILENCE. Hard, cold SILENCE.
Finally, in total defeat and surrender, I sobbed out, "What kind of a God ARE you?"
And with my weary eyes still on the road, and tears staining my face, something caught my attention to the left. A bus stop. A bus stop I've driven past every Thursday morning. A huge sign at a bus stop that I've driven past every Thursday morning.
Except on that Thursday morning, there was a new sign with big, bold letters that read, "GOD IS LOVE."
And suddenly in my car, SILENCE. Warm, loving SILENCE. And peace. Instant game changer. Someone heard my voice. Someone that loves me heard my voice. Someone that loves me heard my voice and responded.
What kind of a God ARE you? GOD IS LOVE.
And the conversation transitioned from angry and frantic and out loud to calm and slow and internal. There wasn't a loud booming voice in my ears; and there weren't even actual words. But the message I received embraced me like a hug, swirling around in my heart. "I love YOU. I am protecting YOU. THIS is my plan for YOU. You are broken, but you are still LOVED. You are broken, but you are still HEARD. You are broken, but I am healing YOU. And, therefore, YOU can still LOVE. And, therefore, someday YOU will FORGIVE them. And someday YOU will FORGIVE yourself, too." Woah.
FAST FORWARD ...
So, what happens after a morning like that? Did my life suddenly completely change? Did everything become clear and fixed? No. I still mourn, I still cry, I still doubt, I still beg. But I do all of those things with HOPE. Hope that I am loved; and hope that I will love.
Every following week on Thursday, I would travel my regular route to the doctor and look for the bus stop sign. And every week I would thank the Divine for giving me this literal and figurative "sign."
I tried so many times to pull over to get a photo so that I could share this story one day when I was ready. And it was never possible. That is, until the Thursday before I went to Hawaii on retreat. A prayer, a red light and some slow traffic gave me a moment to capture this.
The Thursday after I returned from Hawaii, the sign was no longer there.
THE MESSAGE IS...
You are LOVED - you have been created by LOVE and created fo LOVE. And so much so that the Divine can handle anything that you bring -- happy, sad, angry, elated, lonely, afraid, overwhelmed, smitten, incapacitated, etc. Never stop seeking; never stop praying; never stop asking (even if you're yelling!). YOU are being listened to. And YOU are being taken care of.
Ask and it shall be given, even if it's a road sign at a bus stop; Seek and you'll find what God has for you, even if it isn't what you had planned; Knock and a door or a window or your heart will open. (Matthew 7:7)
And BE CAREFUL while you're driving and talking to God. :)
Remember... “God doesn't require us to succeed, he only requires that you try.” (-MT). So try again today, and every day after. The Divine is always communicating with us, we just don't always hear or understand the message. But the more we practice, the more we will. And on the day that you do ... open your heart, sit in its wonder, offer your thankfulness, and then share your story.
xo
© 2018 Katie Riley
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