I went on my very first yoga retreat to Hawaii at the beginning of June. Sort of a last minute decision -- but I knew I needed it badly. And I arrived with a really burdened heart and set the intention for the week that I would be there to love myself and work on healing. And I got down to working on that almost immediately (because 7 days in a lifetime really isn't that long).
It would be a start, I kept telling myself. A start to unburdening myself. A start to re-finding myself. A start to being painfully honest about what the last 6 months had done to me, and accepting of that pain so that I could eventually release it. Giving myself some space apart to gain some new tools and be surrounded by people that (hopefully) would give me some love and perspective. And the yoga, of course -- lots and lots of yoga. And lots and lots of breathing.
On the Monday, full Day #2 of the retreat week, we had a beautiful 75 minutes of a morning practice, ending in savasana. You never know quite what's going to happen when you strike a savasana pose. Especially when you have a lot of things on your mind, or set a myriad of intentions. Especially when you find yourself on your mat, and that's the only thing that feels familiar about your life. I find that the more mentally, physically, and spiritually challenging a yoga class, the more the emotion rises in me during savasana. And with that emotion sometimes comes chatter -- which is not always a bad thing.
While sinking into the arms of gravity, I started a conversation with God. It went something like this, "Hi there. So... I've traveled a really long way to get here and I want to make the most out of this week. So, help me out. I'm right here. I am seeking you but I don't know where you're leading me. Or IF you're leading me. And I'm extremely hurt, tired, and kind of lost. But, I'm still showing up. Can you show me the path, or the door, or the window that I'm supposed to go through to get to the next thing you have planned for me? I am right here, laying in front of you, asking. Please show me what you want me to do. I'm waiting on you. I'm right here." And this went on for while.
But as I lay there, my mind FINALLY beginning to still during calm breaths, I could feel the bright, warm sun from outside shining down on me. "I'm right here, God."
And then God responded: "Here I am."
Woah. This was big. My own words were quieted, but "Here I am" kept flowing like a babbling brook through my mind, my body. And I lay there with God and meditated on that simple, yet profound answer. The message to me went something like this:
"I know where YOU are... but do YOU know where I AM? You don't need a path, a plan, a door, or a window. You don't need to do anything else. You just need ME. HERE I AM."
The Omnipotent, Divine Creator was right with me in this moment. Talking to me. In Hawaii. During savasana. Reminding me that I didn't have to do a damn thing to be loved. I just had to lay HERE, in the presence of I AM. Even if I never sang another note, or taught another child, or worked in another Church, or trusted another friend, or hit another moving target... I was loved anyway. I was accepted anyway. I had a place anyway. I was tattooed on His palm anyway (Isaiah 49:16).
And when I opened my eyes, I grabbed my iPhone to take this photo. Because that's what the Divine looked like to me at that moment.
FAST FORWARD...
Life in the Northeast focuses a ton on doing, but not so much on being. I've reflected on this story over the last month and realize that maybe in all of the years of asking "how can I help" and always being "right here" for every one and every thing, my focus had shifted onto carrying the burden of what I could and wanted to do for everyone else... and away from the freedom of what God is doing and wants to do in me.
And it's crazy to think that I don't have to EARN that -- it's been given to me freely, out of immense love. And maybe all of the stuff and people that somehow contributed to my burdens were being removed (albeit extremely painfully) so that God and I could be closer. And so that we could embark upon the next phase of the journey together, even stronger.
Recently, I've been listening to Danielle Rose's song "Give & Take" from her album Defining Beauty on repeat (https://youtu.be/9A23co0gBzE), especially the last verses: "If you took away my destiny, If you took my world apart... If this is what you had to do so that I could be close to you, I would praise you for the brokenness. I'd give everything up, for I want nothing to stand between our love. You, Jesus, take me as I am. I have nothing left to give, yet you kiss my EMPTY hands... and this is what you chose to do, so that I could be close to you and I praise you for your love. You gave everything up so that nothing could stand between our love."
I'm doing the work and putting in the time... and slowly trying to learn to be okay with all that I have lost and trusting that all of this newly freed space in my life will be filled with the things that the Divine wants FOR ME. And no longer filled with things people want or need FROM ME. Because (unless you are GOD) giving ALL of the time without rest will most certainly leave you empty eventually; and sometimes very hurt. Whether in ministry or not, we all need to take pauses to allow Divine Love to fill us back up, and identify what we might need to leave behind in order to grow. But even in loss, we still have God... and that means, we really have everything we need. "Here I am."
THE MESSAGE IS...
Make sure to balance out "DO" with "BE." You are perfectly loved just the way that you are. And the Divine kind of really wants to hang out with you. Knock, talk ... and then be still. And if you are empty, it's just because infinite love is finding it's way to fill you. Trust!
PS: If you ever have the opportunity to go to Hawaii on a yoga retreat, just do it!
xo
© 2018 Katie Riley
Beautiful, Katie.