I am the Daughter

Supta Baddha Konasana. Goddess pose.

Yesterday at the 6am class, when we got to savasana, we were given the option to take whatever felt most right to honor the work of our practice. I could have taken maybe the traditional arms & legs down, or even the yin arms & legs out, or some variation of the two. But my body asked me for a goddess pose. And I obliged. (below is a stock photo of a woman in a restorative goddess pose)

Goddess pose is one of surrender. It is very open. It is vulnerable. It is beautiful. Heart open, arms often outstretched, knees bent. And as I lay there totally vulnerable, totally open... an internal dialog was brewing and I thought, "What now!?" And little by little, there were all these thoughts dancing in my mind. Around the word GODDESS. Something felt really uncomfortable about that word; and now that position. And I didn't know why. My spirit was asking to lay in the openness and surrender, but my mind wasn't agreeing. And as I meditated in the conflict, I began to realize a major disconnect: I am not a goddess. Or at least I cannot identify as one.

In practices of yoga, I have encountered lots of terminology and references to deities and practices that are new to me. In fact, in my google searches on Christianity and yoga, I've read that subscribing to a yoga is a risky practice of honoring pagan gods (which is ridiculous when your heart is set on Jesus). When class is filled with females, teachers often make references to connecting with or claiming you inner goddess. And I've heard those instructions many times, but I guess I never really tried. Until this moment in savasana. And then it hit me with full force: I am completely disconnected to the goddess within me, or better yet, my inner goddess doesn't exist at all.

But why?

When I got home, I continued mindful meditation around the topic of goddess. And I arrived at the conclusion that goddess is a hard word for me. A word that my identity just doesn't jive with. I began to write down synonymous words that came to mind. And the results were surprising. Goddess is: Selfish. Rich. False. Faux Beauty. Worshiped. Uncaring. Power Seeking. Money Hungry. Adorned in Gold. Served. Cold. Unfeeling. Ignorant of suffering. Back stabbing. Feared. Vengeful. Disliked. Scary. Tight. Perfect. Unreachable. Untouchable. Erratic. Chaotic. Holy crap!!! I think I hit a nerve.

No wonder I'm not a goddess. Why the heck would I want to be any of that? And... uh hum...Kathleen, how did you get here?

MYTHOLOGY

I traced my finger through my life map and over some potential tourist traps. Of course there was Sr. Miriam's sophomore literature class on Greek & Roman mythology where gods and goddesses were strong, but flawed. And the goddess was usually the antagonist of their warring chess matches. Nope. That's not it. And then I pondered that my brother and I loved the movie the "Clash of the Titans" and my strongest goddess memory was Cassiopea who creepily appears in a statue and then crumbles the whole damn temple. (And oh those non-goddess female characters: Medusa and the head full of snakes. The three crazy sisters who shared "the eye." And the near sacrifice of Andromeda to the Kracken.) Good try, but no cigar. And oh how I LOVE the musical Once on this Island: "Oh gods oh gods, are you there? What can I do to get you to look down an give in?" Nope. To me, all of these were amusing, and sometimes even comical, works of fiction.

Then came a shift from Mythology to something very real. Judeo-Christianity. The root of my identity. The core of my being. Judeo-Christianity and its teachings on gods and goddesses. Now we're getting somewhere.

THE OLD: JUDAISM

My mind jumped into yet another Hollywood moment: The Ten Commandments. A movie that I love. Moses meets God on a mountain who, with a blast of fire, carved into stone 10 rules including: "Thou shalt not worship any gods beside me." This event is soon followed by Moses throwing the commandment stones at a god of gold in the shape of a calf accompanied by explosions and screaming. Now this. As a child, THIS scene was very real to me. I knew that THIS is the way it must have happened. So I grew up wanting to avoid false gods, pissing off the real God, and scary fiery situations like the plague. Don't you just love how religion (and Hollywood) tattoos a layer of fear on the body of our beliefs?

The clear moral of the story? There is ONE GOD ONLY. No gods. No goddesses.

But it wasn't just this movie that shifted my thinking. It is the whole of my Catholic religion and style of upbringing of which this movie was just one tiny piece. It was years and years and years of being taught, and indoctrinated into Catholicism. Don't get me wrong -- this included some really great religious structure and spiritual practices and symbolic rituals; and I've loved most moments of all of that. But it also introduced fear enough to keep my searches and life choices within the confounds of its doors. And coupled with the heavy patriarchy of the organization, I'm now finding my footing unbalanced and my female voice silenced.

I've arrived at a place where I have loved a mainly masculine GOD for almost 40 years in a religion where women are not viewed as equally important. That is VERY SIGNIFICANT in the way I view life and my own role in it. Yes, Jesus treated woman wonderfully; in fact Mary Magdalene was the first one to spread word of the Resurrection. But in the hierarchy of today's church, somehow women have been swept under foot. Women Catholics cannot be ordained. They do not have an equal voice. Even women religious (like sisters and nuns) are not viewed as that different from lay women nowadays. Therefore, my references to divinity have evolved to exclude a female spearhead, a goddess. BINGO. How can I be a goddess when (A) I have one God that we reference as mainly masculine, (B) I'm not allowed to have any lesser gods or goddesses and (C) I have no real role model in the direction of a divine female?

The answer is: I can't. And therefore: I am not a goddess.

This new bottom line carried me back to the beginning again. I decided to write down all the words that I associate with "God." As in, God with a capital G. And a completely different set of references emerged. God is: Omnipotent, Strong, Bright, Revered, Stable, Wise, Powerful, Commanding, Determined, King, Reigning, Strict, Orderly, Knowledgeable, etc. Opposite ends of the spectrum from the exercise with goddess. But even still, these words represent thoughts of a very Old Testament, Judaic God. The same fire & brimstone God that Moses encountered on Mount Sinai. The rule-based, authoritarian creator. So I knew I wasn't done.

THE NEW: CHRISTIANITY

Hopping forward a few thousand years, I arrived at the New Testament. And sat in Christianity to see what I could find there on this goddess topic. In Christianity, there exists the Trinity, which is three persons in the same GOD. We've got God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. From a purely baseline gender status, the Father and the Son are clearly male references (aka masculine God), but we only really know about the "Father" figure through what Jesus tells us about Him. And the Holy Spirit... well, we almost got away with it being a "her" since the Jewish word for spirit (ruach) is often feminine. But, there exist arguments on both sides as to whether "it" is male or female. Honestly, we're talking about the HOLY SPIRIT. "It" isn't a person - but rather a presence, an energy, a force. Neither male nor female. Just a "Spir-IT."

For now, let's focus on the God we got to meet.

Jesus. The actual God. The actual human. The actual flesh and bones and blood and breath. Go-go-gadget thesaurus... Jesus is: Kind. Loving. Vulnerable. Servant. Trusting. Powerful. Relevant. A Rule Breaker. Humble. Gentle. Simple. Prayerful. Strong. Honest. Calm. Introspective. Wise. Empathic. Forgiving. Emotional. Pure. Afraid. Determined. Giving. Accepting. Spiritual. Creative. Obedient. Loyal. Holy. Focused. Surprising. Talented. Approachable. Open. Consistent. A Healer. A Communicator. Friendly.

...And a God. And a Man.

But hang on one second. Why am I getting myself so hung up on gender? Because masculinity and femininity are not determined by the presence or absence of body parts. I know plenty of women that are more masculine. I know plenty of men that are more effeminate. These traits are part of the makeup of the essence of a person. Of their soul. And if I really look at my own personal relationship with Jesus, the guy has a lot of qualities that traditionally fall into the feminine bucket. In fact, my relationship with Jesus often reminds me of close relationships with my gay male friends (not that I'm saying Jesus was gay, although, if He were it wouldn't matter to me. And, of course, no offense to my wonderful straight male friends <3. You are equally loved!). Male friends that love me differently and around whom I feel no struggle to present myself as anything other than I am. Men who are more creative, expressive, open, emotional, gentle, and non-threatening. That is the kind of guy Jesus is to me. THAT is my God.

So, I asked myself, if my religion had a goddess that I could emulate, what would she be like? The answer? She would be like Jesus. Because I fully believe than no god or goddess or any other figure of divine emulation could be any better than or love me more than He. I could not be taught about the selfless infinite love in any way that would prove of greater impact than someone giving up their life for me... before I was even born. It doesn't matter than Jesus was a man. Jesus is God. And God is male and female; Father and Mother. If the Trinity can allow for three persons in one God, can my heart make room for the masculine and feminine GOD within the one body of Jesus? Jesus the God AND the Goddess? I think it can.

YOU ARE GOOD

Aside from the fiction and the non-fiction, the words god and goddess often falsely carry the connotation of supreme elevation. Being "better than." Being "higher than." Being "more than." And our society (including corporate America and our religious organizations, etc.) might put us on the express train to feeling inferior to, lower than, and less than... especially woman. For example: "I cannot be a goddess because I'm not good enough." And "I'm not good enough because I'm not a goddess."

It was honestly only after another yoga practice this morning that I realized the similarities in those words: GOD. GOOD. GODDESS. GOODNESS. Is it possible that these things are intertwined? I decided they are.

The God that I find in Jesus (as described above) is less about exaltation and more about humility and service. So, what would it be like if all of us just accepted our inner god / our inner goddess in such a humble way that it didn't elevate or make us better than others, or make one person more "good" than another ... but made us all ONE instead? Put us on the same level? Erased jealousy? Made us servants of each other? Opened the gates to pure support of each other? Let love flow in balanced reciprocity? Wouldn't the acceptance of our inner god/goddess also illuminate our inherent GOODNESS and GODLINESS? And wouldn't the acceptance of our inner god/goddess also illuminate the inherent GOODNESS and GODLINESS of others?

"God saw everything that He had made; and behold, it was very good." Genesis 1:31.

MAKING A CHOICE

So maybe it's time to toss out the stale references I have with the word goddess and re-envision the kind of goddess that I am finding in my own God. Because if the divinity of Jesus is alive inside of me and Jesus is both God and Goddess, then, so too, can I strive to be like Him AND Her: Kind. Loving. Vulnerable. Servant. Trusting. Powerful. Relevant. A Rule Breaker. Humble. Gentle. Simple. Prayerful. Strong. Honest. Calm. Wise. Empathic. Forgiving. Emotional. Pure. Determined. Giving. Accepting. Spiritual. Creative. Obedient. Loyal. Holy. Focused. Surprising. Talented. Approachable. Open. Consistent. A Healer. A Communicator. Friendly.

... And a God. And a Goddess.

Again, Goddess pose is one of surrender. It is very open. It is vulnerable. It is beautiful. Heart open, arms often outstretched, knees bent. And you know what it reminds me of? Jesus on the cross. A pose of surrender. A pose of vulnerability. A pose of beautiful, heart opened love.

By surrendering into the goddess pose of Jesus, then, is it possible that I can use that time in meditation to further be absorbed into His love for me? Open heart. Open hands. Open soul. Might I also be able to acknowledge the God and Goddess in such a way that furthers the realization of Jesus's love in the world through my life? Yes, but I need practice.

I have to first learn to own and honor this identity, this charism, this truth, and this female influence more confidently.

HONORING TRUTH

Honoring who we are often begins with a process of discovery. We have to learn to own our identity, and accept it, and then stand in our truth with confidence. It isn't always easy. But here is an illustration that helps: my mind goes back about 20 years ago when a friend and I spent hours and days listening to talks and stories told by a woman named Edwina Gateley. And this story specifically:

Once upon a time there was a country ruled by a king. The country was invaded and the king was killed, but his children were rescued by servants and hidden away. The smallest, an infant daughter, was reared by a peasant family. They didn't know she was the king's daughter. She had become the peasant's daughter and she dug potatoes and lived in poverty.

One day an old woman came out of the forest and approached the young woman who was digging potatoes. The old woman asked her, "Do you know who you are?" And the young woman said, "Yes, I'm the peasant's daughters and a potato digger." The old woman said, "No. No, you are the daughter of the king." And the potato digger said, "I'm the daughter of the king?" "Yes, yes, that's who you are!" she replied and then disappeared back into the forest.

After the old woman left, the young woman still dug potatoes but she dug them differently. It was the way she held her shoulders and it was the light in her eyes because she knew who she really was. She knew she was the daughter of the king.

It is a process of discovery to know and trust who we really are (even Jesus spent 40 days in the desert before beginning his public ministry). We "try on" different realities, use different voices, and lean on tools like friends, mentors, education, prayer, and spirituality (and apparently a yoga practice) to help become ourselves. To help us earn our inner strength. To help illuminate the light in our eyes. To grant us a voice of truth. A voice that empowers our deepest selves into action; the intimate voice of God that speaks in our innermost depths. And through this process of becoming, hopefully, the greatest essence of ourselves emerges, making way for a new birth. A new life.

MOVING FORWARD

Knowing and accepting who we are makes a difference in how we live. In how we define ourselves in the world. As I'm working through a continued process to further claim a new part of myself, I have continued to assume Supta Baddha Konasana (goddess pose) during savasana. Because the more I can practice what makes me uncomfortable, the more I am bringing awareness, understanding, new thoughts, new manifestations, openness and healing to myself. The more I can let down my defenses and show the world the vulnerable side of Katie, which is usually hidden; the more I can make use of the stronger parts of myself in new and exciting ways. And surrendering in goddess pose sounds like a perfect time to start shifting some perspective.

I will never be a divine god or goddess equal to that of the Trinity: Father, Son, Holy Spirit, nor do I want to be... way too much responsibility (lol). No, I don't strive to BE that.. I strive to be LIKE that. I have been created in the image and likeness of God. I have the faith to move mountains. I have Jesus (my God and Goddess) living inside of me. That is more than enough.

As complex as this blog has been, the truth of who I am is really simple. I am the daughter of the KING ... and that makes me a servant princess.

And I am also a child of GOD ... and that makes me a goddess.

Amen.

© 2018 Katie Riley