Labor Day Monday. A day off from labor. A day of 75 minutes of hot yoga work with Vikram. And a specific task mid-practice as we were seated on the mat: "Choose the pose that gives you the most joy," he said. "And when you find your pose, let's stay there for a while. And find joy together."
Nine months into my yoga practice, I've been accustomed to an occasional yogi's choice on the mat: bridge pose vs. wheel; side angle vs. bird of paradise; bunny hops vs. handstand. It happens. It's good. It provides options. It propels you to challenge your practice. But choosing a pose that brings me the most joy? That is something completely different. And, I must admit, I felt instantaneously thrown off and self-conscious. One truth about me: I'm really good at listening to instructions. I also really good at following rules. But I SUCK at choosing things when options are unlimited. It's not that I don't trust myself... it's that my head starts thinking too loudly. And the more it thinks, the more I am overwhelmed, and blank, and then silenced. Frozen by options. Third Eye, where you at!?
So what is one to do? Something VERY un-yogi but VERY Katie Riley: quickly scan the room to see what everyone else is doing. Haha. Good try, but no cigar! Everyone was doing their own thing, of course. There were some child's poses, a crow here or there, a few goddesses, some savasanas ... I even saw a wheel. The quick and joyful choices of others around me. But where was MY joy pose? Silence.
TRUST, Katie. TRUST.
I let a couple deep breaths settle my mind. This was going to have to come from inside of me - a gut reaction. And I was going to have to trust it. I took the very first (and only) pose that voiced itself in my silent head. Before I knew it, I got up on the mat and was standing on two feet. (The only one in the room choosing a standing pose.) With one foot rooted on the ground, my body quickly grew into tree pose. Hands at heart center, and then arms like limbs fully extended upward. Fingers in guyana mudra; slight back bend, heart open, eyes lost in the infinite above. And as I remained outstretched and meditating on joy, I could feel the energy from my heart center radiating outward, upward, and all around me. The spine growing upward and the arms reaching; the foot grounded by a system of thick roots diving deep into the earth. The longer I remained as a tree, the more I was filled with unbelievable strength, purpose, and elation. A huge smile illuminated my face, but it was nothing like the power of the smile I felt within. I trusted my intuition. I had chosen my tree wisely. And, in doing so, I tapped into my joy.
But note: Joy didn't just randomly find me. I found it. I chose it. I created it. And it grew all around me into something bigger than myself.
TRICKY & STICKY
So let's talk about joy. It's a tricky little bugger -- sometimes feeling sticky like sap, and other times vanishing through fingers like sand. At points in our life when we feel lower or more vulnerable, it's so easy to default to looking around at everyone else smiling and laughing (or choosing yoga poses!) and enjoying life and think "what the hell happened to me?" or "why don't I have that?" or "how do I get that?" But if we trace these feelings to the core, what we really need to be asking ourselves is: What is my definition of joy? And is it really joy that I think that I am lacking? Because joy is neither sap nor sand, and it was never intended to be.
JOY is more than EMOTION.
On a surface level, we often confuse JOY with breakthrough emotions like HAPPINESS; if I am HAPPY, I am joyful. And yes, there is joy in happiness, but they aren't the same thing. Joy is not emotion; it is not temporary. Joy is foundation; permanent; solid; unwavering. Joy exists in life; joy exists in death. Joy exists when you are surrounded by friends; joy exists when you are alone. It is greater than any circumstance. Emotions, on the other hand, are fleeting and constantly changing due to the circumstances around us and how we process them. Emotions bring us good feelings; emotions bring us bad feelings. We won't always be clapping through life's temporary emotions because "we're happy and we know it," but "the joy of the Lord," for example, "is (permanently) my strength." (Nehamiah 8-10; Psalm 28:7,8)
JOY isn't a feeling, and therefore, joy might not always feel happy. Consider that one can be unhappy with circumstances, but still be rooted in joy. For example, over the last couple years I've been following two incredibly amazing women with Cystic Fibrosis -- Mary Frey and Claire Wineland (who just recently passed away). And let me tell you -- the reality of what they face and have faced from a human chronic illness standpoint really majorly SUCKS. There are tears, and heartache, and fear, and sadness... and also silliness, and happiness, and determination. But, regardless of the roller coaster of emotions woven in with their chronic illness, the permanent joy of these woman is just radiant at all times.
So if you are going through a hard time, don't think for a moment that joy cannot carry you through. Or that you have been abandoned by it. Or that you will never find or feel it again. JOY reveals itself to us in unique ways at unique times, so keep seeking it. Everything takes time -- there is no magic pill. I mean, who knew I would find joy in yoga? I certainly didn't. When things got rough for me, I just trusted that I was still enveloped in joy, and BOOM. Over months, it was able to tap into my heart on the mat. And I now grow trees. And THAT, my friends, is a whole different type of happiness.
JOY is INFINITE, not SITUATIONAL.
We sometimes also confuse joy with HAVINGNESS. You know... "once I have that relationship" or "once I have that house and that car" or "when I get that promotion" or "when I eventually have kids" and the list goes on and on... THEN I'll be joyful. Just to set the record straight -- joy doesn't pop up out of nowhere because you HAVE. Purchased joy will never replace real joy. Case and point, there are tons of people out there that we consider having EVERYTHING and they're still pretty miserable -- look at celebrities, look at lottery winners! And on the flip, there are tons of people out there that we consider having NOTHING and they're pretty happy and fulfilled. Go on a Mission Trip and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. So, how is this possible? Joy is not an IF/THEN proposition. It isn't situational. It is FLUID.
And -- GOOD NEWS! Because joy isn't situational, you can't ever lose it. Yes, you might misplace your ability to tap into it or recognize it; but JOY itself never goes away. It cannot be conquered. It cannot be defeated. Joy exists even should we "have" nothing -- because having JOY is having it ALL. Even when we are alone. Even when our senses are removed. Even in the midst of sadness or suffering or pain. Even in the midst of wonder, and excitement, and contentment. Joy is a part of it all.
JOY comes from within.
Joy isn't something we add to life along the way; Joy IS life. It's not about being good or following the rules. Joy isn't something that just "blessed" people have. Rather, joy is an infinite gift that is always readily available to us. We often confuse joy with something bestowed on us by external forces or people. And I admit that even I can have gotten caught in the undertow cycle of seeking joy from other people -- only to be drastically disappointed.
People cannot give you what you need. Only YOU (and GOD!) can give you what you need. And for that very reason, I would never tell you that there is only one correct way to experience or feel or find joy. Joy manifests itself in ways that are as infinitely vast and unique as we are. I can only tell you how it works within me, and maybe that will help you in your journey of discovery. ALL PATHS TO JOY are valid and important. And when I contemplate what joy is for me, here were some quick (non-exclusive) statements that came to mind:
JOY is exploring my value and honestly discovering my worth.
JOY is realizing that my value is honored by people that I value.
JOY is knowing that I am able to heal myself during and after life's greatest storms.
JOY is believing that my broken branches, my broken heart will grow back stronger.
JOY is hearing my nephews laugh.
JOY is being okay with being alone.
JOY is accepting that I am okay.
JOY is my strength.
JOY is my hope.
JOY is a tree. I am a tree.
But I will be honest and say that my more recent path to joy this year included a lot of getting vulnerable. A lot of honesty. A lot of allowing myself to be emotional. A lot of prayer. A lot of trust. A lot of trying. A lot of falling. And a lot of getting up again.
JOY is a choice.
Joy ALWAYS chooses us. But joy is something WE must also choose. It is a lifestyle.
Choosing JOY has been a huge topic for me; and I've had to change my relationship with it in order to get life back into a healthy balance. As I mentioned earlier, I had fallen into a survival pattern of seeking the misnomered emotional version of "joy" (aka happiness, fulfillment, excitement) from specific people in the form of thanks, and inclusion, and friendship, and recognition for hard work, and making good music, and a place to do my laundry, and dinner plans here or there. Regular family stuff. The normal things that exist in healthy relationships. The natural balanced barter. The "you have my back" and "I have your back." I gave everything that I had and everything that I didn't have. And being with these people gave me immense feelings of happiness and validation.
And although many years later I had reached a point where my work was excelling more than ever, people around me suddenly "changed the rules" to suit themselves without telling me. And thanked me less, and included me less, and were less of friends to me, and made situations more difficult for me. And because the positive feelings were harder to attain, instead of seeking them elsewhere or filling up my cup with other activities, I worked overtime to be loving and kind and understanding while asking nothing more for myself. Because I believed this surely would make it better. But then came the pivotal moment of truth... when you ask them "don't you have my back?" and you receive the cold "I never promised you anything." And I was left overnight in a complete state of fatigue with an negative, overdrawn balance in happiness. Not pretty.
Ever since that day, I have had to re-imagine joy for myself. Make conscious decisions to choose it. Try everything I can to find it. Visualize what it would look like; what it would feel like; and who would be a part of it. Realize that past situations weren't really joy; and make sure I never fall into their pattern again. Put myself in new situations with new people that are life giving. And it has been HARD. Because I am a giver. Because I am an empath. Because I love so deeply. Because I want so badly to bring joy to others. Because I need to find joy, too.
And, at these life moments, when you feel naked in a pit... the only thing you have left to do is look for joy and search for yourself. Joy is clearly not always an easy choice -- but it is the right choice for me. And I believe it is a good, healthy choice for all of us. I remind myself daily of the points that I listed above... joy is not an emotion, joy is more than happiness, joy is infinite, joy is simple, joy is not situational, joy comes from within, joy is a gift, joy is my foundation, joy is a choice, joy is my groundedness, joy is my God, joy is my CHOICE.
Which is why choosing tree pose as my place of joy in Vikram's class on Labor Day Monday has been so impactful on my journey. Because as I got up on the mat and grew my branches, I said proudly and humbly to myself, "I am DOING IT." I am healing. And I am choosing joy.
And which is why I am spending an entire blog contemplating trees.
THE SECRET GARDEN
And contemplate trees, I continue to do. While in Newport, Rhode Island a couple of weeks ago for my friend's amazing wedding I got to spend some time among hundreds of years old trees. Their strong, thick bases and outstretched roots. Their beautiful expansive bows and lush cascading leaves. And balancing the awesomeness of immensity and structural yang strength was the calm and protective yin shadows cast underneath her arms. Each tree has withstood hundreds of years of history; hundreds of years of seasons; hundreds of years of storms. And stands with, what appears on the outside as, relative ease.
Trees teach us that we, too, can withstand anything. That we are strong and purposeful. That deep roots keep us grounded and erect. That we are forces of yang and yin. And that we, too, can HOLD ON as we experience life, seasons, and storms.
But there is also another lesson. One that sits of the opposite end of the spectrum. Let us not forget that coupled with the strength and perseverance of trees, is also a certain wisdom of nature. And that is, knowing when to let go. Perhaps the truest indication of a tree's beauty... and a tree's strength. Because trees, as strong as they are, journey through a cycle of constant loss that they themselves cannot control. A beautiful loss.
So beautiful that many people travel annually to well "treed" areas just to witness the changing colors of leaves -- photographers and non-photographers alike. Autumn festivities celebrate the "FALL" of trees -- yet, none of those trees are standing there crying over their lost leaves. Nope, they stand even more beautiful and erect and strong -- and they go through their public loss knowing that they are merely making room for what is to come. These masculine structures let go and move on with such feminine grace. And the letting go is lovely. And it makes me think that maybe I can, too. Let go.
So maybe there is not just joy in the growing of a tree; maybe there is also joy in the decline and in the loss. Maybe decline and loss open space for hope for the NEW and the next beautiful and the next better version ... of me. Trees teach us that we can withstand anything. That we are strong and purposeful. That we, too, can HOLD ON. And that we, too, can LET GO. And still survive with beauty and grace. We fear loss, but maybe we should find a way celebrate it... like an autumn feast.
BACK TO BUDDHISTS
On Friday evenings, my schedule doesn't allow for yoga, so I often practice meditation at the Shinnyo Center for Wellness & Meditation in midtown. It's a chance to get the week "off of me" so I can enter the weekend unburdened by the stresses of work. And last week I arrived just as the opening bell was finishing its toll. So I quickly entered the room, found a seat in my favorite corner, and immediately closed my eyes. Working to silence my body and calm my breath as the Buddhist priest spoke of the imagery projected on the walls (which I had missed in my rush to enter).
And you'll never guess what it was this time... A TREE. (Thank you, universe, for being on the same page while I was writing this blog!) Winter - Spring - Summer - Fall. The strength of a tree. The energy of a tree. How so much constantly changes around it, but the tree itself remains strong. The tree is rooted. Yeah, it may lose its leaves; maybe even some branches. But it learns so sway in the wind; standing strong (like joy!) even in the most difficult of circumstances.
As I was leaving the meditation room, there was a mantra song on my tongue: OM SRI RAMA JAYA RAMA. And I grabbed my headphones and put on my favorite chanted version of this mantra. To be honest, I often don't know what these mantras mean or to whom they are meant to focus from a world religion perspective. But I googled a bit and found this translation: "May my ego be purified, may my body be healthy and strong, and may my past (karmas) be transcended."
I don't know about you, but I cannot think of a more fitting mantra when practicing to be a tree. When practicing to choose joy. When practicing to choose MYSELF. When practicing the art of holding on. And the art of letting go. Because that is when the true miracle of transformation takes place.
"She let it go. She was ready to vibrate higher and become a magnet to miracles. Now she is in this place where everything feels right. Her heart is calm. Her soul is lit. Her vision is clear. She's at peace with where she's been. And at peace with where she's headed." -unknown
This Autumn, celebrate the FALL. Celebrate trees. Celebrate your strength, celebrate your losses. Celebrate the NEW that is coming. Know that you are infinitely loved... and that joy is yours for the choosing!
xo
FOR MEDITATION
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